i’ve lost track of how many times someone’s hit me with it: “but who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” like opting out of parenthood is some wild, short-sighted move that guarantees i’ll rot alone in a nursing home.
let’s be honest, that question isn’t about concern. it’s a guilt trip dressed up as small talk.
in filipino culture, where family is often synonymous with sacrifice (even when it hurts), that question carries even more weight. but again, it’s rarely about care – it’s about compliance. stay in line. do what’s expected. don’t rock the boat.
newsflash: having kids doesn’t come with a built-in caregiver clause. plenty of parents end up alone, while plenty of childfree folks build solid, intentional support systems that actually work. tying your future well-being to someone else’s obligation? that’s the real gamble.
so let’s rip this argument apart – because choosing not to have kids isn’t selfish or sad. it’s deliberate, responsible, and absolutely none of anyone’s goddamn business.
having kids is not a retirement plan
the idea that your kids will automatically be your backup plan when you’re old is outdated and honestly, kind of selfish. sure, it’s a comforting thought, and yeah, some families make it work. but for a lot of people, that dream doesn’t match the reality.
life’s messy. kids grow up, they move away, they build their own lives. and sometimes, they just don’t have the time, energy, or resources to become full-time caregivers – even if they want to. expecting them to do it by default isn’t just unrealistic, it’s a setup for resentment.
and let’s not pretend this dynamic isn’t transactional as hell. raising a kid doesn’t mean they owe you their adulthood. love doesn’t come with an invoice. if the relationship is built on “you owe me,” that’s not family – that’s emotional blackmail.
so instead of loading your future onto your kid’s shoulders, get your shit together. plan for your own later years. save. get insurance. build a life that doesn’t hinge on someone else putting theirs on hold.
that’s not cold – that’s respect. for them, and for you.
filipino guilt culture: where saying ‘no’ makes you the villain
in a lot of filipino households, utang na loob (or a debt of gratitude) gets thrown around like it’s sacred scripture. but if we’re being real, it’s often less about gratitude and more about control. it’s this unspoken rule that because your parents “sacrificed everything,” you now owe them your life. and god forbid you have your own boundaries; say no, and suddenly you’re ungrateful, selfish, disrespectful. just… the worst.
this kind of guilt is heavy. it creeps into big life choices – like having kids – not because you genuinely want to, but because that’s the “right” thing to do. the expected thing.
and if you don’t? cue the side-eyes, backhanded comments, and full-blown drama. it chips away at who you are, until you’re living someone else’s version of your life.
this isn’t about turning your back on your roots but more about not letting them choke you. real gratitude isn’t transactional. it doesn’t demand self-sacrifice or silence. it leaves room for honesty, boundaries, and actual connection. saying no doesn’t make you a bad kid. it makes you human. and that should be enough.
children are not your insurance policy – stop treating them like one
having children because you think they’ll look after you when you’re old is not AT ALL parenting – that’s emotional blackmail with a side of long-term strategy. it’s messed up.
a kid isn’t your retirement safety net. they’re not born to carry your baggage or step into a caregiver role just because you didn’t plan ahead. they’re human beings – not backup plans. they’ve got their own lives to figure out, their own shit to deal with.
expecting them to put their future on hold so you can feel secure in yours is a fast track to bitterness and burnout – for both of you.
have kids because you actually want to raise them, support them, know them – not because you’re scared of being alone in a nursing home someday.
if you’re worried about aging, sort it out. get your finances in order, build community, invest in your health, your friendships, your independence. stop pinning your future on someone else’s life. it’s not their job to save you – especially not the person you chose to bring into the world.
i’m not heartless – i just don’t believe kids owe their parents everything
this whole “you owe us” narrative is tired. having a kid is a choice – one made by adults who (hopefully) knew what they were signing up for. it’s not some invisible contract where the kid grows up and spends the rest of their life paying it back in emotional currency.
sure, respect matters. appreciation matters. but those things should come from a place of love, not guilt. forcing your kids to carry the weight of your sacrifices like some moral debt is toxic. it breeds resentment, not connection.
it’s time to drop the whole martyr-parent storyline. a real family isn’t built on obligation – it’s built on mutual care, real conversations, and boundaries that don’t come with strings attached. when we stop expecting our kids to “repay” us, we give them room to become whole people. and that’s how you actually get a solid relationship -not by pulling the “i raised you” card every time things get hard.
having a kid just so someone’s around to wipe your ass when you’re old is NOT parenting
not only is the whole “my kids will take care of me” thing outdated – it’s lazy and unfair.
nobody signs up for life just to be someone else’s retirement policy. your future is your responsibility. not theirs.
kids deserve to be born into something real – not into a job description they never applied for. when you pile expectations on them before they can even crawl, you’re stripping them of a life that’s actually theirs to live. you’re not giving them a choice. you’re assigning them a role.
if your main reason for having a child is to avoid dying alone or to lock in a built-in caretaker, that’s your fear talking – not love, not connection, and definitely not respect for another life.
instead of handing that weight to someone else, maybe look at building a stronger support system, investing in your friendships, or sorting out your own end-of-life plan like a grown adult.
have kids because you want to pour into someone, not because you want something out of them. anything less is just using them.
dear tita baby, being childfree doesn’t mean dying alone in a ditch
this tired idea that people without kids are destined for some bleak, lonely ending? lazy fucking thinking.
a lot of childfree folks put serious effort into building strong relationships, showing up for their people, and planning for the long haul, without banking on someone else wiping their drool when they’re 85.
also, let’s not pretend having kids is a guaranteed loneliness repellent. plenty of parents hit old age and realize their grown kids are too busy, too far, or too uninterested. love and connection don’t come with a family tree – they come from who actually shows up.
being childfree isn’t some reckless gamble on a loveless future. it’s a choice – thoughtful, personal, and often deeply values-driven. and honestly, it takes guts to live outside the script. but that’s the point. we’re not here to follow the script. we’re here to write something that actually makes sense to us.
parents aren’t entitled to their children’s lives – period.
this whole idea that parents somehow own their kids or get a say in how they live their lives? nah. that’s not love – that’s control dressed up as “tradition.”
sure, raising a kid takes work. but parenting isn’t a long-term investment where you cash out by micromanaging their adulthood. kids grow into people – not extensions of their parents’ unfulfilled dreams or guilt-tripped retirement plans.
your kid isn’t your second chance. they’re not here to make your choices feel justified. they get to live their own life, mess it up, make it beautiful – on their own terms. and if your ego can’t handle that, that’s on you.
respect means giving them space. it means cheering from the sidelines, not trying to rewrite their playbook. and honestly, if your connection to your kid only exists as long as they do what you want? that’s not a relationship – that’s a fucking leash.
real love doesn’t demand obedience. it offers support, even when the path they choose isn’t the one you would’ve taken. and if you can’t offer that? you’re not parenting, boo. you’re just controlling.
filipino families need to stop shaming people who choose freedom over duty
in a lot of filipino homes, choosing yourself is seen as betrayal. deciding not to have kids? selfish. wanting to live life your way? disrespectful. not popping out grandkids to keep the family “legacy” alive? suddenly you’re the villain in a teleserye.
but let’s call it what it is – control dressed up as tradition.
this hits especially hard if you’re a woman. you’re expected to be the nurse, the therapist, the bank, the default life plan. because that’s what a “good daughter” does, right? and the second you set a boundary? you’re suddenly “maarte,” cold, or ungrateful.
but here’s the thing – opting out of motherhood or cutting off toxic family ties doesn’t mean you hate family. it means you love yourself enough to stop handing your life over to people who only value you when you’re useful.
i say this with my whole chest because i’ve done it. i cut off my own family. they were abusive- mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. they drained the life out of me and still expected more. choosing myself was survival. it was sanity. and yeah, it was freedom.
we need to stop acting like losing yourself for your family is some kind of badge of honor. it’s not noble to abandon your own happiness just to tick someone else’s boxes. being childfree or setting hard boundaries isn’t a betrayal- it’s self-respect in action.
if you’re feeling the pressure to fold into the mold, you’re not alone. check out “facing judgment: how to stand your ground in a pronatalist world” and poke around r/childfree. there’s a whole community out there untangling the same generational guilt trip.
my future is not yours to control just because you had me first
being born wasn’t a contract. i didn’t agree to live out anyone else’s regrets or fix anyone else’s past. and yet, somehow, a lot of us are raised with this quiet expectation: that we owe our lives to the people who gave them to us. like existing is a debt we’re supposed to pay off forever.
it’s manipulative. it’s exhausting. and yeah, it’s everywhere.
parents are supposed to support, not suffocate. guide, not guilt-trip. love, not label your choices as betrayal. but when you grow up in a culture that worships obedience, it’s hard to even tell where love ends and control begins.
my choice to not have kids isn’t a rebellion. it’s not a phase. it’s not trauma talking. it’s clarity. it’s boundaries. it’s watching too many people lose themselves in lives they didn’t even want – and deciding i’m not doing that to myself.
you had your life. this one’s mine.
more on this personal boundary in my post you’ll never know real love? say that again and i’ll show you rage. spoiler: love without freedom isn’t love at all.
we’re done with the emotional blackmail; now what?
we stop pretending that fear is a valid reason to have kids.
we stop letting outdated expectations make decisions for us.
and we definitely stop acting like the only path to being cared for in old age is through reproduction.
choosing not to have children doesn’t mean you’ve given up on love, support, or community – it just means you’ve decided those things shouldn’t be conditional. and definitely not transactional.
this argument isn’t just tired – it’s fucking lazy. and we’re allowed to call it out without guilt, without apology, and without explaining ourselves to every relative who thinks they’re entitled to our future.
so keep choosing your life. not the one built on fear, but the one that actually fits.
and if that makes a few people uncomfortable? good. maybe it’s time they sat with it.
btw, if this hit a nerve (in the best or worst way), i talk way more about stuff like this on my podcast Say No More. it’s where we drag the unspoken, especially the messy, cultural stuff that filipino families love to sweep under the rug.
no filter, no shame, just real talk. stream it wherever you get your podcasts.